Most of us don’t struggle with boundaries because we don’t understand the definition. We struggle with it because we are taught slowly, subtly, and repeatedly that our needs are transactional and negotiable. As a “people pleaser” setting boundaries has always been an issue for me. I am sure there are many of you just like me.
We learned to be agreeable. To keep the peace, to not rock the boat. We are taught to smooth things over before anyone gets uncomfortable or upset. I won’t lie, for a long time not having precise boundaries seemed to work. It kept the peace in my home. People would often say I was low maintenance and so accommodating. We can feel connected, needed, and somewhat safe.
Then one day you wake up tired of explaining, tired of over giving. We are tired of waiting for others to show up and carry some of the emotional and mental weight themselves. This is when the hard conversation with ourselves and others on boundaries begins.
But what are boundaries? I can tell you they are not walls. They are not something meant to push people away. They are taking back your voice and defining where you begin and end. Let us understand that a boundary is not a rule for someone else to follow. It is a commitment to yourself for your happiness and peace.
A boundary can sound like:
This isn’t what I am willing to accept anymore.
This is how I will respond when something doesn’t align with my happiness or peace.
I can care about you and still say no.
I am not comfortable with that.
Boundaries are not meant to punish ourselves or others. They are meant for clarity. We know that clarity can be uncomfortable in the beginning. There is a reason why. When you start honoring yourself your nervous system will not register empowerment. Instead, guilt and anxiety show up and the urge to explain, backtrack and apologize takes over. Boundaries are the ability to be okay with someone else’s disappointment in changes without abandoning ourselves. Boundaries change you, not other people. What may happen when you set boundaries? Some may adjust, some may push back and some may drift away. That is natural progression. It doesn’t mean the boundary you set was a mistake. Trust your inner signals and believe your needs matter.
Setting boundaries is a practice, You will sometimes set them late, explain too much and break ones you meant to keep. Some, you will give up entirely. That doesn’t mean you failed; it means you are learning and growing. Keep setting them.
Here’s to gentle growth,
Denni